


"i'm drunk (and still in love with you)"

by seunqmins



Series: our gazes meet and I see you in vignette [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drunken Confessions, M/M, Mentioned Lee Felix, Mentioned Yang Jeongin, Unhappy Ending, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:47:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27777853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seunqmins/pseuds/seunqmins
Summary: He's never coming back.
Relationships: Kim Seungmin & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Kim Seungmin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: our gazes meet and I see you in vignette [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2029132
Comments: 14
Kudos: 42





	"i'm drunk (and still in love with you)"

**Author's Note:**

> so uhhh i am a little back with a short fic for minho and seung again hehehe
> 
> just a fair warning  
> \- mentioned of cheating  
> \- mentioned of alcohol  
> \- mentioned of letting go someone because hey everyone deserves better!
> 
> \- also this series is actually NOT related to each other!!

It's 2am in the morning.

The apartment is quiet tonight, he mentally takes note as he pads his way to the kitchen to drink some water and when he does, he looks around the place. It's been silent ever since he's left. It's been like that for the past six months of his life. It would be like that for next weeks --- months --- years.

He's never coming back anymore.

He goes to the balcony to get some fresh air and perches his elbows atop the handrail, puts his phone beside him and sighs.

It's been a long exhausting day for Seungmin. Thirty-six hours of being awake and trying to live despite of everything that he's feeling. But still, he can't even rest. There are too many things running in his mind --- too many things and feelings --- he's overwhelmed.

The sky is far too starry tonight. Seungmin closes his eyes to try to sleep (or perhaps, forget), but even the stars tonight are mocking him. He feels like they are mocking him more as he opens his eyes, only to be greeted by shining, twinkling stars.

He remembers him.

He remembers his eyes in these stars.

He remembers how his brown eyes used to speak volumes. His eyes alone used to tell depth --- of a good story or a bad story. With just one look, Seungmin would understand what he wanted --- needed - -- because it's always been Seungmin and him.

Seungmin’s phone glows amidst the darkness of his surroundings but he doesn't spare a glance at it. It might be just Jeongin spamming their group chat so he ignores it.

But the second time his phone lights up, he glances it.

**_Unknown name_ **

Seungmin wonders who this one is. Who is sane enough to call him at this time?

“I swear to god, Jeongin, if you're pranking me with Felix, I'm shaving your hair.” He mutters under his breath. It's not like the first time Jeongin prank called him. Seungmin hesitates and pauses.

His heart and stomach drops. He waits for the call to end.

_It's going to end, too. It's going to end_.

The numbers are all too familiar with him now that he studies it.

Because at the end, there is 1025, he remembers this because he was with him when he threw a tantrum in getting a personalized number.

“It's for you to remember my number easily, Seungminnie!” He once has reasoned.

_Joke's on you,_ Seungmin scoffs in his mind because no matter what, he would remember his number by heart. It's like he gave Seungmin so much things to remember and too little time to forget.

The ring ends once more.

Seungmin heaves a sigh of relief and trembles. Then he slowly panics.

Because what if he calls once more? What if his phone rings again and what if the same number shows up again? Would he even answer it? Would he even have anything to say? Are there any words to say again? But who are you kidding, Kim Seungmin?

He knows he's going to answer it.

No matter what circumstance you are in, you're going to answer it. If he's in the middle of a call, he's going to end that call just to pick it up. He's still going to take the call even if his battery is dying. If he doesn't have a signal, even if he's at the top of a mountain, he's going back to the civilization just to answer it.

He is that whipped.

_Or maybe I just miss you so much._

_I just want to hear you talk again. I just want to hear your voice once more._

Kim Seungmin expects it. Seungmin expects that he is not going to call anymore. Maybe he's a dialed a wrong number. Maybe someone has stolen his phone and is just prank calling him. Maybe, so many maybes that Seungmin wants to consider it's all just a joke.

_His life's a joke, anyway._

But then he receives a message.

The numbers are still mocking him.

**_**You're still up. Fuck it, answer me.** _ **

**__ **

**__ **

But why, he'd like to message back. Why would he answer him when it's over? Why would he take the call when Seungmin is somehow okay? Why would he do that when there's nothing to talk about anymore?

He closes his eyes again and jumps when his phone rings once more.

_Why now,_ Seungmin despairs. _Why_ _now, all of fucking time?_

“Hello? Who is this?” He tries so hard for his voice not to crack up.

There's a bitter laugh at the end of his line. “Are you seriously forgetting about me?”

_And ohgodohgodohgod._

He knows that voice so much. He's heard his voice so many times, he has this voice engraved in his mind, Seungmin is confused, because everything and when he says everything it means E V E R Y T H I N G is coming back to him.

All the feelings --- memories --- the sadness --- laughter --- and the bitterness --- all of them are resurfacing.

_God, why do you hate me so much?_

“Seungminnie? Are you still there?”

Seungmin hums.

“Why are you calling me, Minho hyung?”

“I just want to apologize because I was a jerk.” He says.

Minho’s background is a little bit noisy but despite the noise, Seungmin finds himself listening attentively more.

“I was a jerk for even cheating on you with him.”

Then Seungmin’s tear falls. They fall like he hasn't cried for the last few months of his life. They fall like they're not tired. Like they're not tired like Seungmin. Why are his tears betraying him for the nth time of his life?

_You're fucking right_ , he wants to berate him. He's always wanted to scream at him --- to punch him -- - because he fucking wasted fourteen years of his life with Lee Minho.

Seungmin and Minho started like this:

Seungmin is six. Minho is eight.

It's a snowy day but Seungmin likes playing at the playground because way back in L.A, there's no near playground in their area but now, in Seoul, there is and Seungmin is going to take every opportunity to play there. He's going to play in the swing as long as he wants to, and nobody can make him stop.

But then there's a boy standing there.

He has his hands on his waist, and is he glaring at him? Seungmin thinks he is. His fringe is covering his eyes so he can't see very much. So he ignores the other kid and plays happily by himself.

The kid is insistent, though, because the next thing he knows is that Seungmin is meeting the cold hard ground full of snow.

He cries.

Loudly.

“Why did you do that?” He demands the other boy with the cutest pout he can ever. The pout that can get whatever and whichever he wants.

The other kid, who he now notices, is wearing a black thick coat, black mittens, and a black scarf around his neck. Seungmin considers the other kid too dull. He's always preferred colors. Like the one that he's wearing right now. Orange coat, yellow pants, and a purple scarf.

The other kid looks at him with wide eyes --- all glossy and clear --- then he hops off from the swing, only to help Seungmin to get up. But he has a big bruise on his left cheek, and he sees the other boy blowing it off (as if that could lessen hurt) and then he kisses him noisily.

“Just to let your booboo go away.” The other has shrugged him off one time.

_Now that you're gone, who would take my booboo away?_

“Seung? Are you still there? Can you speak up? I missed those days when you talk nonstop --- when you tell me about your day --- Seung, I just missed you so so much.” He confesses.

Seungmin closes his eyes and runs his fingers on his eyes. He wants to stop crying over wasted years and memories.

“You're drunk.” Seungmin says.

He knows he's drunk. Minho spends his time talking a lot when he's drunk that Seungmin sometimes felt like his ear was about to drop off if he didn't stop talking. It always feels like Minho has been reborn when he's drunk.

But why--

Seungmin knows Minho is drunk right this moment --- in his most vulnerable state --- he knows that if Minho wakes up tomorrow, he would have forgotten that this happened. Tomorrow, if Minho wakes up --- he'd realize what a fool he has been.

Minho groans at the other line. “I know. But I want you to talk to me again, Seung.”

There's something about Minho’s Seung that pulls a string on his heart. Is it the all familiarity that he feels with Minho’s voice? The way it sounds like he's still Seungmin’s Minho? He's not quite sure, all that Seungmin knows is he wants to cut this call.

“I have nothing to tell you.” Seungmin bites his lips he believes they’re going to bleed.

He's lied.

There are so many things Seungmin wants to tell him.

There are so many things Seungmin wants to ask him.

All the things he's made Seungmin feel. All the things that he's given Seungmin. He wants to blame all those to Minho. He's made Seungmin feel worthless --- made him feel insecure and unsure of himself. He's made Seungmin question himself so many times.

_What gave you the right to hurt me as much as this,_ Seungmin wants to scream. _Who gave you the right to make me feel stupid about myself? Why did you give me so much to remember, Minho hyung? Why --- why, despite of everything, I'm still so in love with you?_

But then, Seungmin can't. Seungmin shouldn't. Seungmin must not.

Kim Seungmin is better than this.

“I broke up with him.” Minho sighs on the phone. Seungmin feels like there's something blocking air in his throat. “When I chose him over you, I knew it was a mistake. It was a mistake kissing him --- even just looking at him --- when I have had you all along. Seung, please be with me again. I need you.”

Had Minho said this a week after the break up, Seungmin knows he's going to crawl back to him again. He knows he's going to crawl his way back to Lee Minho, had it been fresh --- had he not moved on. Just yet.

_But no, Seung._

_Not again. Not to his selfish traps again._

_Remember when Felix and Jeongin had to force feed you when he left?_

_Remember what it felt like when you had to beg on your knees when he was walking away?_

_Remember when you had to piece yourself back?_

_Remember when you failed some classes because you couldn't focus, trying to win him back?_

_Remember when at night, you were by yourself thinking and wishing he'd come back but he didn't?_

_Remember your worth, Seung._

“I want to work things out with you again, Seung. I promise, I won't mess up this time. I'm going to be so much better, Seung. Let's start over again.” Minho begs.

_He begs, Seung, he never does beg before._

“You're just drunk, Minho hyung.” The bitter reality needs to be reminded again.

“I know, I'm drunk, Seung. But I miss you. I fucking miss you so much.”

Seungmin’s finger shakes his head and his finger hovers over the end call. Shakily, he tries so hard to just simply end the call, but he can't, because Seungmin wants to hear him. He wants to hear his explanations --- wants to hear Minho’s side. Somehow, there's a part of Seungmin that still begs for Minho --- still wants Minho --- still loves Minho.

But can his heart still take it?

What if he finds someone else and leaves again? What if he gives him a chance and he wastes it again? What if it happens again and again and again? It's not like this happened the first time. Seungmin forgives him --- forgave him --- but now, Minho is the one who chose to leave.

“Talk to me, Seung.” The desperation in his voice is apparent. It's unbecoming of him. “I love you.”

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you.”_

It rings in Seungmin’s mind.

Those three words.

He remembers wanting to hear those words from Minho again. He remembers how he repeatedly said those words when Seungmin was asking him to _stay, Minho hyung. Stay because I love you, I'll make sure to be better for you ----_

Then Minho sobs. It somehow breaks his heart because Minho has never cried --- doesn't cry. It breaks his heart --- somehow.

“Are you drunk because you love me or are you in love with me because you're drunk?”

“I do! I'm in love with you --- sober or not.” He insists. “I'm so sorry, Seung. I'm so sorry, Seung. Please try to give me another chance. Please love me again.”

“I---”

_I, what, Seung?_

“I hope you really still do, Minho hyung, because remember how we both wasted time with each other? I hope you do love me --- but at the same time, I don't want you to love me again.”

“But why?”

“I don't want you to love me. Because you don't deserve me.”

“That's a lie.”

“And --- I don't deserve you.” Seungmin sighs heavily and blows out remaining tears. “I deserve someone better, Minho hyung. Someone who would love me for what and who I am. Someone who needs me the way I need him. And I'm sorry it can't be you anymore.”

“Seung, you don't mean that.”

On the contrary, Seungmin does.

He knows he might regret it later. Or maybe not. But he's sticking up for whatever he's decided. He can only hope that someday --- Minho would find someone who is willing to love him again and again despite of the heart aches.

But it won't be Minho anymore.

_I love you, but my heart can't take any pain anymore._

Seungmin is not ready to love again.

Not now.

Not tomorrow.

Not in the few weeks to come.

Moving on is a process of taking time. To be better and to feel better. Healing takes time.

For now, Seungmin might not be at his happiest (for his happiest was when he was with Minho before), but he hopes tomorrow, he'd be okay. Maybe there are no answers to his questions for now --- there will be no answers anymore, so he won't ask. He doesn't need the answers anymore.

He'll be okay.

He is going to be okay.

Even without him.

“But I mean it, Minho hyung. I'm sorry.”

Seungmin hangs up the line, breathes the air like it's his first time and smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are highly appreciated *puppy eyes*


End file.
